Brax is One!

It has been a while since I did a blog post and a lot has happened, but the biggest most exciting news is Braxton turned 1 on Sunday! I had been trying to prep myself for the emotional roller coaster I was about to go through, but instead I did a lot of reflecting on this past year ( which was an emotional roller coaster as well!) I just can't believe my sweet little tiny baby that used to sit so still and sleep is now this little monster that crawls faster than I can run and gets into everything! Don't get me wrong, I love this little boy more than life itself, but it is exhausting...I wouldn't change any part of it though.  On Sunday I was laying in bed thinking about where I was a year ago ( in the hospital about to ring everyone's necks cause nothing was working medicine wise) and I thought about how amazing it is to have the privilege to be a mom. I remember waking up the morning after I had brax and feeling so confused and lost (I blame the magnesium). Thoughts like "wow I feel so incredibly sore! Wait a second, I had my baby last night. Where's my baby!!" Ran through my head. So I paged my nurse and asked her where he was and that I wanted to see him right away.  Because brax was born 4 weeks and a day early, they considered him premature and had to take many precautions with him. One being he had to stay in the NICU. His glucose levels were a little low so they also were working on getting those up. After they took me off the magnesium I was allowed to go see him. Unfortunately, I couldn't walk because of the effects of the magnesium so they wheeled me down In a wheelchair. I remember being so nervous so meet this precious little baby, that soon would call me mom. It was a very scary moment. When they handed him to me I felt very disconnected to him.  It was so unreal to be holding MY baby. The baby that had been in my tummy for the past 8 months! The vision i had been creating in my head of meeting brax for the first time did not go as I thought it would. I thought instantly I would feel a bond between us and that I the realization of "I'm a mom!" would instantly come- but it didn't. I went back to my room in shock and horror. The only realization I had was "holy crap what did I get myself into."

The next morning I pushed myself to get out of bed and walk down to the NICU. It may have taken me 15 minutes and a heart attack to my nurse when she saw me walk out of my room alone, but I did it. I just had to see my little creature again. When I walked into his room and saw my sweet baby boy all swaddled up in a blanket and sound asleep, that's when it hit me. This is MY baby. MY baby that I took care of all by myself for the past 8 months. MY baby that I get to take home and have forever. MY sweet, sweet little baby. Tears began to stroll down my face as I began to realize it all. I hadn't ever had an experience more amazing than that. I held that little baby in my arms for an hour, just watching him sleep. He was my miracle baby. A baby that would grow big and strong and not be so small to where I can cuddle him in my arms.

To my surprise, just after a year, he's not that easy to cuddle with in my arms. I thought I'd have a little bit longer but my little baby is a little man already! And when I say little, I mean big haha. He has taught me so many things in just a year. Things like, patience. Which I didn't develop until he came, seriously. Also little quirky things like- never assume the diaper is going to hold the whole mess. If there's too much, it'll leak and leak and get everywhere. And do I mean EVERYWHERE.  It doesn't matter if you're in public or at home, it's gonna happen. I've also learned boys are gross. They fart and poop and spit and itch themselves in unknown places. Their is no manners when it comes to them- they just do it when they want and wherever they want. Coming from a family of all girls, I got to learn this the hard way. Oh well, I'm mean what can you do, right? It doesn't matter to me though, I love my little baby whether he's poopy or not. He's more than I could ever deserve and I'm so glad He chose me and his daddy to raise him in this crazy world.  He has been a blessing to brennen and I and I'm so grateful that we can be sealed as a family for eternity :)